5 "Sexy" Things That Aren't Actually Sexy

Honestly, eating food is one of the nastiest things a person can do.  Eating off of another human being takes it to a whole different level. It's germy, and unnecessary, and ruins whatever cake or random bowl of whipped cream that's been defiled by someone's gross-ass hand. I get that it's an intimate thing to do, but so is using a spoon and then kissing after the dishes have thoroughly washed. And spoons are WAY more hygienic.

Hot tubs are usually treated like they're the broth you use to make a hot cup of sex soup, but the truth is they're nasty as hell. It may seem tempting to jump into a jacuzzi and go to town on the person you love, but it would probably be cleaner to just piss in a bucket and throw it in their face instead. Hot tubs are stagnant pools full of dirt, grime and the fluids of past couples who also got the idea to go to town on one another. It's not exactly the kind of place you wanna introduce your naughty bits to.

Every movie ever made includes a scene where a couple gets caught in the rain in an incredibly romantic fashion. First they share a soaking wet kiss, then they run away to an abandoned barn where they get out of their wet clothes and into one another. It's nice to watch, but in practice it's bullshit. Being wet is unpleasant. Sure, being in love makes being wet slightly more pleasant, but you know what's still better? Being in love and dry. Also, have you ever touched a person who's been standing out in the rain for a long period of time? They feel clammy, and their skin feels like a slightly rougher maraschino cherry. It's not exactly a turn on.   

Lingerie is an 8 trillion dollar a year industry. (I haven't double checked that number, but it sounds right, doesn't it?) Lingerie is supposed to make people look sexier, but honestly it's just an unnecessary step. It only exists to be ripped off, and no matter how good it looks, it can never be as interesting as what's underneath. (Talking 'bout nudity, y'all!)

It's gross.